Isabella Raine

When you think of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you probably think of older men who have been in literal wars. I'm here to tell you that's not a reality for many with PTSD. Personally, I am a young woman living with PTSD in my 20s-- having never enlisted in the army.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with PTSD from sexual violence I endured in from an abusive partner. The first few years meant missing a lot of school, being terrified going out in public, full days ruined by avoiding sleep and then having nightmares, and tons of flashback induced panic attacks. I would cry and scream, feeling stuck in a moment that wasn't happening anymore. It was exhausting. 

Since then, it’s gotten remarkably better, but I still struggle. I’m hyper observant, I have flashbacks and night terrors that are riddled with sexual violence and those who perpetrated it in my life. It’s only at age 22 that I changed my sleeping habits and finally started consistently getting full, good night's sleep with the help of medication treating my PTSD. It truly has changed my life. 

Triggers can be any number of things, from smells, to words or activities. They can be little, or large. Specific or more general/vague. I know I have a lot of random and obscure triggers that others probably wouldn't realize are capable of throwing someone back into such a dark place.

PTSD can be extra hard in public, and especially in a workplace. The year after graduating high school, I worked at a local spa. 

I was the spa attendant, so I ran around the spa all day making sure everything was clean, stocked and aesthetically pleasing. One of my tasks was to prepare baths, then empty and clean them afterward. This was fine. I enjoyed the work, it was satisfying for me to be able to make everything nice and pretty for the customers. 

One day while I was working, it was time to clean out a bath, but when I went in there, there was this strong scent of a cologne that sent me back to times I’d rather forget. I had a good amount of time to clean it out, so I tried walking out and then walking back in a few times in hopes it’d go away so I could clean it, but I couldn’t. 

I ended up needing to explain to my coworker that I had PTSD and the smell looming in that room was something I couldn’t work with. She was very sweet, didn't ask any questions and seemingly happily did it for me. I was so thankful she was so kind and understanding. 

Triggers and PTSD can make life hard and awkward to navigate. Moments like in the spa weren’t done without difficulty. Having to try explaining something being a trigger to your PTSD isn't easy or pleasant. I don’t like asking for anything or feeling like a burden. 

The other day, I went to a coffee shop with a family member. After being there for about ten minutes, I noticed someone from high school was working there. She was heavily involved in the cyberbullying and trauma I endured parallel to my sexual abuse, and seeing her for the first time in years was really hard. It sent me back to the reality that all of those things really did happen in this lifetime. As I tend to push them off as faraway memories from a life disconnected to this one. 

I hate feeling like my PTSD is a burden to myself or others, so I stuck it out until the person I was with realized something needed to change because they could see me struggling and dissociating. 

For about a week after this encounter, my sleep was awful and my nightmares were exasperated. This made getting up and going to work increasingly harder.

When I make new friends, I have to make sure they know that sometimes when we're out and about I will seemingly randomly need to leave. I give them a codeword that means, "we need to leave." Thankfully, the friends I’ve made in recent years have been more kind and understanding than friends in the past. They accommodate me whenever I say I need to leave without expecting me to explain exactly why.

Living in a small town that has tons of reminders and people associated with my trauma and PTSD is really difficult. Moments where I say, “I need to leave”, or “we need to turn left now” are more frequent than I’d like to live with. I look forward to living in a place where I'm not constantly bracing myself for the occurrence that is seeing something that might send me off an edge for the next day or even week. Moments can be brief, but large enough to affect me for weeks. 

 

PTSD makes having a job where I report to someone harder. I’ve needed to call out due to nausea relating to the trauma even seven years later. Trying to explain that you’re on the verge of vomiting, and know why, but, “don’t worry I'm not contagious” is awkward. The last thing I wanna do is give my coworkers or boss the sense that I’m weak or traumatized. Even though I know that’s not what trauma or PTSD means, other people seem to feel different. I find people are cautious in ways they don’t need to be when I’m around if they find out I have sustained this kind of diagnosis.

The way you see me before knowing I have PTSD is just fine. I don’t need anybody to change their behavior or perception of me. Although it’s a large piece of my life, It doesn’t have to mean you see me as different or damaged. PTSD is common among survivors of sexual violence and I want to work toward a future where people don’t invalidate you just because “You’ve not been in a war,” or “it wasn’t that bad.”