Isabella Raine

When I was a teenager, I suffered sexual abuse in relationships I was in. It has overwhelmingly been the hardest part of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 16 and I've spent most time up until now just surviving.

About two years ago, I had an identity crisis. I was going through a breakup, feeling overwhelmingly insecure, and I couldn’t figure out who I was past my trauma. I felt lost, and I had no idea how to make something of myself, but I was incredibly motivated. I've never felt as much motivation to be and do better than when I had just lost my partner.

I wanted to prove myself and show that I was more than my trauma and lack of hobbies.

Finding My New Passion

It was the sixth month into the pandemic and most everyone was lost and bored, scrolling on TikTok. Like a lot of other people, roller skating was huge on my TikTok For You page. When I saw dozens of videos of people looking like they were having the best time, it sparked the feeling of an opportunity to do something new. I wanted to start something that had nothing to do with my trauma and fight off those insecurities. 

Although I had no idea how much roller skating would change the way I saw myself and how it would heal me. Rollerskating made me feel like less of a victim in a matter of no time.

Being a Survivor of Sexual Violence
As a survivor of sexual violence, I struggle a lot with my image and identity. In September of 2020, I couldn’t see who I was past what had been done to me at the hands of violent men. 

I called myself a survivor, but I still saw myself as more of a victim. 

Most of the badass things I had done in life were in response to being assaulted. So even the outspoken part of myself that I love was linked to that violence. I needed something that was just mine. Roller Skating gave me an identity past being a survivor, and it wasn’t until I saw a post on Instagram by @consentforbreakfast that I realized what it had done for me. I wish I knew earlier in my journey how much a new hobby would help me. How it would give me ways to see myself past victimization. 

Rollerskating was something empowering, energizing and euphoric that made me feel like I could do something on my own. It was everything I needed. My first day feeling the full euphoria of skating was a street skate session I did around my side of town with Ashnikko blasting in my headphones. After weeks of practicing and getting used to being on skates, I felt confident and strong skating down the street to music I felt fitting.

Finding My Independence

Had I been single prior to late 2020, I think I would’ve found myself a bit sooner. I was comfortable with wherever I was, doing whatever, because I was with somebody I loved. I did a lot of healing in that relationship, but the independence since then, and spending a lot of time solo has given me so much. I wasn’t exploring myself much beforehand; So when I became single, I started writing more, painting, planning, skating, dreaming and achieving. I’m grateful for the time I’ve had to figure out who I am and what I want.

As much as skating and independence has done for me, I’m still always learning, growing and finding new ways to express myself. Healing is a process and it’s not linear. I still struggle and I still have bad days. My life doesn’t always feel like the fairytale I try to make it, but I do my best.

My Seventh Year

My journey as a survivor is forever, but as I’m in my seventh year, I feel I’ve reached a tremendous new stage in it. 
I’m not constantly burdened by it in all the same ways as before. Nightmares and flashbacks are farther and fewer between with medication and I can usually go out in public without fear. On top of that, it’s not always on my mind. I used to have it rolling through my head every moment of every day, and I’m happy to say that’s just not how it is anymore. I’ve worked to give myself many things that aren't soaked in my trauma. 

I have hope for a future and have a better perspective of myself. Although I still struggle with it, it's much stronger than it has been in the past. Roller skating and all the changes I’ve made in the last year have been infinitely helpful. So if you take away anything from this, know that you can get to a place that seems unimaginable at times.

Progress and Healing is Possible
Whether you’re a survivor, struggle with depression or other mental illnesses-- progress is possible. I’ve felt hopeless and worthless in countless moments in the last seven years, but I continue to reach new highs that I couldn’t imagine possible even just months before– This last year especially.

I started skating to find myself and it kickstarted humongous change in my life. If I could give advice to any survivor right now, it would be to start something new that’s just yours. Something unaffiliated with the trauma. Something empowering. 
Try new hobbies until something sticks and see where it takes you. 

I underestimated how much I needed it and wish I had it years before I did.